Trackers PDX Blog

Fear

29th

July

I was one of those kids who had fear rule his life. How? My family loved me. I never had to be hungry. I had a great big yard to play in. I'm not sure what made me so darn sensitive. What made me afraid to speak up in social situations, worried that people would think I was stupid? What made me create nightmares from the news of the cold war; so much so I would retreat into my room for days on end, fearing what would happen to the world, my friends and my family? I was mouse quiet, so unsure, pessimistic, ready for everything to go wrong and paralyzed because of it.

In short, I was on my way towards living a normal life for our culture. One of quiet desperation. But I had one thing going for me, I also questioned everything I encountered. I got a good deal of rebelliousness from my father, maybe some from my mother, and mostly from a backyard that felt like a forest. While the "real" world seemed scary, nasty and absolute, the trees and tall grass in my three-quarters of an acre yard seemed welcoming, interesting and just so.

When I got into high school the first thing I did was start to question the drab concrete architecture. Why was I stuck in four walls and a hall? Who were these jocks slash jerks deciding I didn't fit their idea of dude? How could a bureaucratic art teacher insist I draw logos when I wanted to paint landscapes? When is it appropriate for a washed out guidance counselor to talk to every student about joining the military? And most importantly, what business was it of a loony Language Arts teacher to tell me I had to read a book called Pigman when I wanted to read the sci-fi novel Dune?

So at 14 years old I did two things. First I decided to read Dune (along with Walden) and in the pages of that book I discovered this...

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

A little cheesy I know. But you have to understand, I'm a fanboy and these things mean a lot to our ilk. This was a litany oft repeated by the protagonist and many others in the book. In fact it was a key mantra for a sect of women priestesses who's purpose was to maintain creativity in the human race. Strange how "fear" and "creativity" vied for how I lived my life. I realized that it was time for me to do bold things. I decided to find answers beyond the places that threatened me with mediocrity when I refused to comply.

When I faced the fear of what they claimed would go wrong, when I let it move over me and through me, I simply walked out of the four walls and found myself backpacking in the Jefferson wilderness, responsible for my own survival. And that's where I remain.

Fast forward and one day I became an outdoor educator. Yet I found it impossible to teach to a curriculum and goal. People tried to show me the path to be a "good mentor". Usually it consisted of making your students jump through a series of hoops, run some dry tests or ascribe to some system of levels to mastery. But there was another quote I remembered from Dune...

And the first lesson of all was the basic trust that he could learn. It is shocking to find how many people do not believe they can learn, and how many more believe learning to be difficult. Muad'Dib knew that every experience carries its lesson.

My experience was that learning is easy. You just can't be afraid to try. As an educator I observed this to be the greatest stumbling block to anyone developing any new skill or competency. People often look to teachers as a tome or guide. Or to test them. When really what you need is permission to try, get results and try again. Fear of failure is what holds most students back from learning. My job is to simply encourage inquisitive experiment and creativity.

"Tell me the rules?"

"Try something, see how it works, try new things after that."

"But what if I fail?"

"If you live, you're not failing."

That one certainly wakes em' up. Though that response is a caricature of the space I hold for learning. The truth of my job is to assure, "No one dies, and no wounds that won't heal in four days." Nothing to edgy can ever really happen on my watch, that's the agreement I make with everyone I work with. The irony is that when I was a teenager wandering the world on my own, I nearly died a lot. And I'm glad for these rites of passage. I nearly died so many times that I'm not worried about dying today. Yes it would be a tragedy for my family and those who love me, but thankfully this great, wondrous Earth will live on with no me. And hopefully a better place in the smallest of ways because of some things I've already done to give back. Steve Robertson, my former boss at the Aududon Society of Portland, once told me...

"You know what me and my buddy Brad did when we were being chased by a herd of elephants and thought we were going to die."

"No?"

"We laughed."

And Steve's one of the most competent people I know. He's not caviler, he doesn't take unnecessary risks. In fact he's very safety conscious. Intelligent weariness is a valuable thing. Caution and the competency to survey the scene shows great regard for building honest relationships in the world. Yet don't confuse this with the paralyzing fear that so often prevents people from living life with gusto, bravado and wonder.

When I find myself in the life or death bind, embracing that great unknown keeps my cogency intact. In fact, I'm even more calm then when I'm simply idle. Life and death becomes a fundamental cycle.

That brings me to the opposite of fear. If there's one gift I'd hope to give to the people I work with, it would be faith. Now I'm not talking about the faith that comes with the connotations of believing one thing. There are a myriad of one things that I greatly respect. I'm proud my wife is Presbyterian, that my co-worker is Buddhist, that my parents are Catholic and my best friend is something else very subtle. No, this faith is a little different. Its not the belief that everything will turn out "right" for me. If I waited for "right" I would've never tried anything new. Its faith for living life, experiencing even sadness with joy.

I know I'm not in charge of the ocean I'm surfing. I know that "stuff happens". This faith isn't a philosophy, a belief or a debate. Its about knowing the path of fear can stop us from making healthy choices, it can stop us from living in the world. Faith, to me is the opposite. Its the way of the trees and tall grass.

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